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Newsletter Vol.1, No. 4 What Should I tell the Teacher? With the start of school I’m often asked the question “What should I tell the teacher about my child?” While perhaps appearing to be a simple question at face value, the reality is that for many it is a complex issue. If your child has been identified as having learning or behavioral challenges, how much do you want to share with a teacher at the beginning of school? Is it better to have your child begin class and give their teacher/s time to get to know them and form their own opinions or should you inform them of the challenges ahead of time? As a parent you want your child to have the best chance to succeed and understandably are concerned that if information is shared about previous challenges, your child’s teacher will see the problems before the child. However there is another way to see it. By sharing information about your child at the beginning of the school year you may be helping to avoid some of the negative experiences that create anxiety for your child. The idea is to work ahead of time with the school staff, to share your child's challenges and the circumstances that created the most stress in the past year so that proper accommodations can be made. When accommodations are made they should be transparent or as transparent as possible to other students. School staff can be observant and avoid the triggers that exacerbated the problems. Learning differences are real and very hard on the child who sits in class and wonders why their friends are able to do things that they themselves struggle with. In session, I often hear "I’m too stupid, I’m so slow, I just can’t do it" when my clients describe difficulties with schoolwork. Their frustration may turn to anger (especially during homework time) when they sit and are reminded about just how unsuccessful they feel. All of this can lead to negative feelings about themselves, anxiety and down the road, depression. To help alleviate some of the pressure from the beginning of the school year, I suggest sitting down with your child and explaining that you realize they have difficulty with some subjects. Let them know that all brains work differently. Some are better in math, others in English. Some people learn better by listening, others by reading. Let then know that you understand how hard this feels to them and that you will work with your child and their teacher/s to help this year feel more successful. Fortified with that talk, knowing that you want to help your child have a successful year, meet with school staff and advocate for your child. Share their difficulties, their triggers, their worries, and together work on accommodations to help your child. It is helpful if you walk in with a list of suggestions and an open mind and work together to determine what would be best for your child. After the first month or so, if you are seeing that your child continues to have difficulties, ask for another meeting, perhaps an sst, 504 or an iep meeting to clearly go over accommodations your child both needs and is entitled to. Often it is helpful to bring your child’s therapist and any member of your child’s support team to help explain to staff what your child is experiencing and to help come up with strategies to help. Palo Alto Parenting Solutions 650.329.5101. The Friends Program A unique group for young children on the spectrum, and their parent’s. This year there are still a few openings with “The Friends Program”. A therapeutic group program designed to address the developing needs of young children with Asperger’s Syndrome and their families. The Friends Program meets weekly on Tuesdays in Palo Alto. While the children meet with their peers in a small group, each led by a licensed clinician, assisted by an early childhood specialist and psychology Interns, parents meet together with Dr. Laurie Leventhal Belfer for guided observations of their children as they play in group. Parents also participate in a parents-only group facilitated by Dr. Leventhal Belfer. The group aims to enhance the parents understanding of the child and provide guidance and support for daily issues the parents are encountering. I am the therapist leading the 1st and 2nd grade group at “The Friends Program”. I’m always excited to see the changes the children make from our early September sessions to our last group in June. Children that at first entered the room alone, preoccupied with things going on in their own minds, not even aware of others around them, often leave in June bursting through the doors to get extra playtime on the play structure with their new friends. You can find out more about “The Friends Program” at www.thefriendsprogram.com. You can reach Dr. Laurie Leventhal Belfer at Dr.LaurieLB@gmail.com or by phone at 650-322-4431. Palo Alto Parenting also runs groups for children tackling issues around anxiety and also social learning groups for children who are on the spectrum or children with adhd. If you are looking for a group for your child, please contact me at: alice@paloaltoparenting.com. Wishing you all a happy, low-stress fall. Sincerely, Alice Locke Chezar, ma, mft, ata Palo Alto Parenting Solutions 650.329.5101. Vol.1, No. 3 10 Things to think about before school begins Summer has always seemed to me to be like a salve, a soothing, cooling remedy applied to the irritated parts of us to calm and heal. Homework hassles have disappeared and along with the school stress goes a lot of the acting out behavior; the tears the tantrums and frustration. It is a time to recoup our energy, rediscover the funny, wonderful things about our families and enjoy and prepare for the coming months. As we enjoy this brief respite it can be helpful to think back on the past school year and look for ways to make our children and our own lives a little less stressed. The 10 things are:
Palo Alto Parenting Solutions 650.329.5101. Announcing New for the Fall “Friendship Solutions” A weekly therapeutic group program for children with Asperger’s or ppd nos in 3rd and 4th grade... CLICK HERE TO CONTINUE READING Palo Alto Parenting Solutions 650.329.5101. A note about 504’s and IEP’s For those of you who have children with a 504 or an IEP, calling a meeting to get together with your child's educational team is always a good idea for the fall. Send in your written request as soon as school starts. A late September date for the meeting usually works well. This gives your child and their teacher/s some time to get to know one another. The teacher/s should already have your child’s folder and know what accommodations are expected. By the end of September/early October you and your child as well as the team should be able to supply feedback as to what may or may not need changing. Don’t be shy. Your job is to advocate for your children until they are ready to do it for themselves, and that can take awhile. And importantly, if there are concerns, If anxiety in the form of irritability, sleeplessness and other symptoms begin to appear, don’t wait for a crisis. Call for a consultation. Together we can work towards making the coming school year a positive one for your child, your family and you. Palo Alto Parenting Solutions 650.329.5101. Vol.1, No. 2 Celebrating the 100th Day of School In some classrooms around the state children have just celebrated their 100th day of school. For some it marked a milestone of interesting days filled with learning and friendship. For too many others, it was a reminder of so many days passed feeling "not good enough" as a student, friend or as a son or daughter. For these children, often by the time February rolls around, they’ve long realized their "differences" and are struggling to keep up. For some, grades may be good but parents are reminding them they could be better, while for others report card time just reinforces what they already know and they brace themselves for more disappointment. As parents you’re often stuck between encouraging your child to do their best, the best you believe they can do, and watching your good intentions become a show-down of wills between you and your child and sometimes you and your spouse. How did something so right go so wrong? When did arguments take the place of calmly talking things through? Step Back and Observe With the school year past the halfway mark, it is a good time to step back and observe the scene. Your child is acting out: talking back at school or at home or both, arguing about homework, about chores. Maybe they’ve even stopped seeing friends or stopped everything except friends. When you try to talk to them, they turn aside or walk away or worse give you attitude, something is definitely wrong. Take a step back and look at your child from the lens of another. See them as hurting in some way and protecting themselves in the only way they know – by pushing it all away, pushing you away, if someone comes too close. This is the time to check in with teachers, find out how your child is doing during class and at recess, test scores are never the entire story. Are they having difficulty staying seated? Is focusing especially hard? How are they getting along with classmates? Do they have regular friends to eat lunch with or play on the playground? Are they engaged in mutual play or do they prefer to "do their own thing" exclusively? Perceptions and Reactions At home, make some special time for this child. Take them out, just the two of you. Do something fun. It can be as simple as an ice cream run or as full as a day together. During that time, see if you can get a sense of what is going on for them, inside. Often we as parents forget that we and our children may receive information differently. What seems a simple question can be "interpreted" as something else, even a "put-down". While we may not agree, it is your child’s perception, it’s how they "feel" the situation and what is influencing their reaction. Encourage a dialog with your child. Let them rail against the injustice of it all. Your only role in this is to listen which I know is easier said than done. This is the time to hold you your tongue, count from 20 backwards, anything that will prevent you from disagreeing or coming up with a premature solution. When your child is through, be sure to let them know you have heard them and that you understand how difficult it is for them. Reflect/repeat some of the things they told you. Do what we often tell our children to do. Put yourself in their body. Look through their eyes, see things the way they tell you they see it. Brainstorming Together When you are both ready, try to get your child to brainstorm solutions with you. Ask them to tell you all their ideas. Even if some of the ideas are impractical or even outrageous, try to give the ideas space to float, be there in the moment with your child. Then add some of your own ideas, trying to use theirs as a starting point. See if together you both can come up with some "trial" ideas, an "experiment" to see if an idea can work. Agree on the concept and set a time to get together to check on progress and make modifications to the plan. By engaging your child in this way, they will know that you are interested in their experience, that you care about their feelings and importantly that you have confidence that together you can up with ideas to help their situation and to help them feel better. Palo Alto Parenting Solutions is here to help. Call for a consultation, and together we can discuss the issues and the options that can help your child. Palo Alto Parenting Solutions 650.329.5101. Vol.1, No. 1 Back To School – Things To Notice Those sweet days of summer, of no school, no homework hassles, less tension, and fewer tantrums, are sadly now at an end. With great trepidation not only children, but also their parents face a new school year filled with unknowns. Will the tensions rise, will the issues of the last year continue to be a problem, will my child fit in, find friends, feel successful? What kind of teacher/s will be there, and will they understand? These thoughts circle around our heads in the waning days of summer and the beginning of the school year. The reality is that it doesn’t take very long to find the answers to the above questions. You will often know before the first report card comes along. You’ll see it in the behavior of your child. Below are just a few signs to look for:
Make an appointment to speak with their teacher/s and explain your concerns. If there is a suspicion of a learning problem, by all means bring it up and ask the teachers to document what they are seeing and what they suggest would help. If your child has a 504 or an IEP, it’s ok to "remind" the school staff of the accommodations that are expected while you try to enlist their help. Concerned and well-versed teachers who understand special needs, can make a big difference. Don’t let the teacher/s or any staff member tell you that your child is lazy. Children, like adults, avoid things that are difficult for them. They often become embarrassed, not wanting their peers to see that they are struggling. They don’t quite understand what is happening and therefore don’t have the words. They begin to feel different, and often think they are stupid. I’m reminded of a teacher who had a reputation for being open-minded and progressive. And indeed he could be for the average student. But when he found a child in his class who had difficulty focusing, controlling their impulse to become engaged in the "exciting" classroom surrounding them, the child (who was later identified with ADD and an anxiety disorder), was blamed. The child was told, before breaking into sobs, "this is your problem, you have to control yourself and make up your mind to pay attention!" The child’s parents were also scolded. Thankfully a wise therapist opened the parent’s eyes to what was happening and so began their journey towards understanding and helping their child. It was not up to the child, who at that point couldn’t control themselves, it was the school staff that needed to identify concerns, talk with the student and parents so that together they could find interventions to help the child understand and find ways to help them succeed. You are your child’s voice when they don’t yet know how to advocate for themself. If you begin to see signs of trouble, don’t wait until they become big problems. Become informed, and speak up. Palo Alto Parenting Solutions is here to help. Call for a consultation, and together we can discuss the issues and the options that can help your child. Palo Alto Parenting Solutions 650.329.5101. Teen Suicide: Looking for The Early Seeds of Emotional Distress In the neighborhood where I live, last spring we were rocked to our very foundation with the news of 2 suicides, students from one of our local high schools and an attempted third. Just last week when the shock was beginning lessen, we learned of yet another suicide in the same place as the other two, however this time it was a 13 year-old about to enter the same high school the following week. How can this happen? we ask ourselves. There’s talk of stress and AP classes, of relentless pressure to always compete, peer pressure, parental pressure, internal pressure. All of these and more contribute to these sad and horrible acts of desperation. Yes, high school can be extremely stressful, however the seeds of emotional turmoil including thought distortion, depression, and anxiety, don’t just pop up when a child enters high school. All too often these are seeds that are sown long before high school. As I read the newspaper articles and see the committees being formed, I’m concerned that with all of this talk about problems with our high school system, we may be overlooking the warning signs of distress that can and are seen in the very elementary and middle schools that feed into the high schools. Some children are better able to manage their feelings than others. It is the others that I am concerned about. In my practice I see young children, some not even into double digits that are living with stress and a sense of not being good enough, not living up to their parents expectations, or not living up to their own. Early on they develop an idea, an expectation of themselves that for a number of reasons, are not realistic. Each year we hear of more and more young people in elementary and middle school feeling hopeless, trapped. They see their classmates thrive while they struggle and they don’t understand why. As parents it isn’t possible to take away all of our child’s hurt, although we’d give anything to do it. Rather our job is to watch, listen and act when we need to. These children need help understanding their challenges while celebrating their very real positive qualities. They and their parents need to understand the warning signs of difficulties that left unchecked can grow into the kind of self-destructive behavior that is every parent’s nightmare. What to look for:
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Alice Locke Chezar m.a., mft, atr alice@paloaltoparenting.com 
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